Marriage

Most marital problems arise out of mistakes and misunderstandings, out of childishness and self-centeredness, and then they get made concrete because we polarize around them. None of us is perfect; we all say things we regret, we are all unpleasant from time to time, we all have faults. And that is the point: There is no perfect relationship - not all the time, not everywhere, not through all of life’s situations. Children, bankruptcy, in-laws, job stress, boredom, illness – all of these can test even the most loving unions. Our spouses are not always going to be a shoulder for us to lean on, a devoted ally in times of sadness, a cheerleader, or a source of peace. Sometimes they will get hysterical, blame us, run away from us (physically or emotionally), hate us, embarrass us, and make our lives more difficult - not necessarily because they are right, but because they too are under stress, they too are in need of a shoulder to lean on, and we are too whacked to do anything for them.

We justify our own faults:

"I was under so much stress at the office - she ought to realize that."
"What did he expect? That I'd be excited about sex after spending all day with a three kids?"
"My own mother was so suffocating, I just can't handle a woman who nags."
"He was working all the time and didn't have time for me, and I needed a real relationship with a man."

We expect our partners to take up the slack for our troubles, to be long-suffering because we are stressed out, to change their behavior so as not to remind us of our mothers, to accept a sexless marriage because we are tired. Instead of changing our lives to reduce our stress, dealing with the leftovers from our relationship with our mothers, or finding a way to cope with children and save time for a husband as well, we blame our spouses for these problems.

While we have reasons for our imperfections, we see the other person's lapses as inexcusable.

"She got hysterical when I told her we'd have to move. She's so incredibly immature."
"He was rude to my mother. He knows she's old and lonely and that's why she talks so much."
"She spends a fortune on clothes. She doesn't even think about how hard I work for that money."
"He's always losing his temper over trifles. I'm sick of his shouting."

It is rare that we forgive, rare for us try to understand that our mates, too, are imperfect, and rare that we see how they may be driven to behave as they do because of stress, childhood trauma, fear, guilt, or whatever. Instead, most often we righteously assert that we value ourselves too much to put up with (pick one): A slob, a narcissist, a melancholic, a codependent, a bore.

But aren't we justified in blaming our spouses for truly unreasonable behavior? Don't we have a right to demand that they change? Well, maybe. But where does it get us? When we look at our spouses as if they are responsible for making us happy and deficient if they don't, we set the stage for interminable recriminations, and erase the opportunity for a real partnership - in which two rather imperfect beings can find support and a little space while they struggle with their own faults. By current criteria we are all dysfunctional, wounded children, so no matter whom we pick, we are sure to end up living with one. Ideally, I think, we should look at why we don't like what the other person is doing. (And no, it's not only because he or she is a jerk.)

Are we upset by our spouse's anger because it provokes our load of internal guilt?

Do we dislike another person's silence because we equate it with the unspoken hostility a parent exuded?

Do we find it impossible to tolerate a slob because we are compulsively neat?

Maybe we could use these moments when we want to rail against our spouse to look at how we may have our internal battles to deal with first. And even if we don't have a particular personal failing, we can always develop our capacity for love. It is easy to love the devoted, the kind, the exciting, the intelligent, or the youthful; but it is hard to love the old, the sick, the depressed, or the traumatized. Maybe we could use these difficult times to expand our range of compassion.

Our partner, no matter how imperfect, is a gift to us. He or she more than anyone can hold up a mirror to us and show us who we are, good and bad. Often we hate our spouses because they do not bring out the best in us, but who else will show us our shadow sides? Perhaps if we looked at our spouses as teachers or mirrors instead of as impediments to a fun life, we might find that our relationships could blossom instead of die. If we could be tolerant of an unkind word, willing to look at ourselves when we feel aggrieved, or try to love another knowing he or she has faults, we would doubtless find him or her much more willing to do the same for us.

We need to create space in our relationships for mistakes, for periods of drought, even for anger.
We need to have patience with each other.

We want to be appreciated for our good qualities (even if they're not always in evidence) and loved despite our failings, but why should we assume it is any easier for our spouse to do this than for us to do it? We praise those who are tolerant and kind and patient, those who can see beneath the surface to the good in others, those who can offer unconditional love, and we hunger for those qualities to manifest themselves in the person we marry. But why do we put so much effort into demanding that our spouses exhibit these traits, and so little into cultivating them in ourselves? As so many have said, we need to concentrate on changing ourselves instead of on changing our mates.

I'm pretty bad at loving, but I'd like to be better. I think I'd be a lot happier. The few times I've been able to get past my infantile fury at not getting my way and tried to explore why I might need to change, I have been gratified by the results. When I do assume that this world is a place for learning how to be a better, more mature, more loving person, and when I am willing to look at my mate as a teaching aid rather than as a repair project, we end up on the same side of the problem of personal growth. We function as coaches for each other. When we insist on seeing the other as the enemy, however, we end up in a perpetual zero sum game.

I think that fundamentally marriage exists to teach us how to love. When we treat our partners as precious gifts and see them as valuable in their own right (not simply as useful appendages to ourselves), we learn to get outside of ourselves and to really see the wonder of another human being. When we look at conflict as an opportunity to grow, we find an alternative to frustration and despair. When we use our marriages as places where we can learn about loving, when we are not afraid to see ourselves in all our glory and all our imperfection, then, I think, we can learn to finally grow up.



DO and DON'T

courtesy of my favorite therapist


Don’t think that you are entitled to all the responsibilities and loving actions of your spouse;
Do behave as though every mundane gesture of your beloved is a direct gift from Heaven.
Don’t think you don’t need to make pleasing your beloved a priority because he/she is already yours;
Do think that every day is an opportunity to forge a stronger bond between you.
Don’t assume that all or even most of the problems of the marriage are his/hers;
Do come up with changes you know you need to make to be a better husband/wife . . . and do them!
Don’t wait for your spouse to make changes before you make the ones you know you should make;
Do make an offering of your part even though you feel hurt, angry, or embarrassed, because that change in your actions/attitude will likely have two wonderful effects: (1) you will discover that you can create more of your own happiness with your own change in behavior and attitude and (2) your spouse will be motivated by your actions . . . and around it goes!


Don’t think first about what you’re getting or losing at any one moment;
Do think about how putting your spouse before yourself makes your spouse feel cherished.
Don’t insist on your opinion or way of looking at things as the only way;
Do check with your spouse about his/her way of handling a particular issue to see if there might be a solution that incorporates the wisdom you both have, as in “two heads are better than one.”
Don’t focus so much on making sure your own needs are met;
Do prioritize the needs of the union—you are now “us/we,” and not primarily “me.” It is important that spouses pay attention to staying connected. Have date nights, to flirt and chatter—so you can remember why you married in the first place.

Don’t imagine you’re going to change your spouse by complaining, hating, punishing, demeaning, threatening, or manipulating;
Do know that you can change your view of your spouse and your marriage by finding something each day about your spouse that brings you pleasure, pride, or gratitude.
Don’t choose to dwell on the annoying qualities of your spouse;
Do remind yourself each time you’re annoyed with him/her of at least three qualities you admire and enjoy.
Don’t believe for a moment that you aren’t annoying too!
Do acknowledge to yourself and to him/her that you both brought a lot of baggage into the marriage to unpack and that you promise to be more aware and considerate of your impact on him/her.

Don’t use discussions about how bad your spouse is as entertainment with your friends;
Do take every opportunity you can to build up your spouse in your mind by relating wonderful, positive stories.
Don’t let your family or friends determine or influence what happens in your home and marital relationship—do not take polls with them to decide anything about your home life;
Do have the courage of your own opinions and the respect for those of your beloved to make your own joint decisions.
Don’t ever (unless desperately ill) reject an amorous approach by your beloved;
Do make your beloved feel such by some degree of physicality combined with words of love and praise.
Don’t complain that your beloved is a lousy lover and not making you “happy”;
Do compliment them when they’re “getting warmer” (it is so motivating) and actually show them what would turn on your ignition switch.
Don’t let your day or your history rob you of your right to marital ecstasy;
Do make at least as much time for your “love” life with your spouse as you do for all the other stuff you consider important.

Don’t even think about keeping score with who does what;
Do keep in sight of what the goal in your marriage is: peace and happiness.
Don’t compete with your beloved for who is more important;
Do spend every possible moment telling your spouse he/ she is the most important part of your life.
Don’t withhold love or affection because of some perceived slight—or even an actual slight;
Do remember that a cherished spouse will “slight” you less.



Many people perceive marriage as a kind of sauna: You go in and the heat does something to you while you are passive. A good marriage all about doing something, instead of expecting something. When both spouses understand that – it is a beautiful thing.