One rabbi taught that to begin to understand a concept, you must first define it. The technical definition of Jewish marriage is, of course, the giving of the ring under the chuppah with the expressed intent of marriage, validated by two witnesses. This definition describes the lifetime commitment the couple makes to each other before man and G-d.
But what exactly is the couple committing to? A lifetime together -- for what purpose?
There is another, more philosophical definition of marriage: A lifetime commitment to constantly provide emotional intimacy to your spouse, thereby uncovering your true self and, ultimately, your unique purpose for being created.
Each clause of this definition reveals the foundation of a successful marriage.
A lifetime commitment:
Marriage is meant to last forever. You are committed for the long haul; therefore figure out whatever you need to make it work. When you argue, are frustrated, tired or bored, say to each other: "We are in this together, forever. Let us get through this, because on the other side lies the happiness we both want, the happiness a successful marriage provides."
To constantly:
Marriage takes constant work. A great marriage does not just passively unfold after marrying your soul-mate. Instead, the commitment of marriage is a lifetime of proactive "everydays:"
Everyday I will recommit myself to this person.
Everyday I will make my spouse happy.
Everyday I will communicate with my spouse.
Everyday I will make my spouse feel special.
Everyday I will make my spouse feel that I am the most blessed person in the world to be married to him/her.
Everyday I will unload his/her burden.
Everyday...
(Gratitude + Love) x Communication = Emotional Intimacy.
For a marriage to be successful, it must be the top priority in your life. You must work harder and smarter on your marriage than you do at work, parenting or other relationships, but you will find that the success of this relationship will aid you in all other pursuits. Ignoring your marriage to focus on other things will ultimately create chaos in all areas of your life, not just your marriage.
Provide emotional intimacy to your spouse:
The definition of emotional intimacy is to constantly make your spouse feel that he/she is the most important aspect of your life; it is the key to a happy marriage.
A marriage is a bank account whose currency is feelings; and making your spouse feel fulfilled, happy, loved, cherished, desired and respected are deposits in the account. The emotions of distance, discontent, apathy, feeling secondary, disrespect and being critical are all withdrawals from the account. A happy marriage is one with an abundant emotional bank.
How you make your spouse feel is more important than the reality of the situation. If there is an issue that needs to be taken care of within the marriage, first deal with the feelings and then, once they have been resolved, address the issue itself.
How do you create emotional intimacy? There is an Emotional Intimacy Quotient (EIQ): (G + L) x C = EI, which is (Gratitude + Love) x Communication = Emotional Intimacy.
Gratitude is the awareness of all the kindness your spouse does for you, of which you must recognize. A daily gratitude diary is a great way to get in the habit of noticing. Everyday, add five new things your spouse has done for you and then communicate your appreciation of these kindnesses; this is true gratitude.
Love is the feeling you get when you focus on and appreciate your spouse's virtues, positive attributes and character traits. Your daily gratitude diary can double as a daily love journal. Everyday, list five of your spouse's virtues and communicate them. Express each virtue with the words, "You are... (virtue x)," while making deliberate eye contact. Each day that you communicate gratitude and love will be one in which you experience emotional intimacy.
Thereby uncovering your true self:
Emotional intimacy demands honesty and growth. You cannot be dishonest about yourself with your spouse and be truly intimate at the same time. Emotional intimacy is a growth process, where you are always working to connect at deeper and deeper levels. You need to uncover any hidden layers within you that block the emotional connections to your soul mate. You will begin a journey to places inside yourself that you have never before been challenged to reach; there you will find fears, insecurities and anxieties concealed in the crevices of your subconscious that you will have to work through to achieve greater intimacy with your spouse. Each layer that you remove uncovers more of your true self and character; an intimate marriage is the one place where you cannot hide from yourself.
And ultimately, your unique purpose for being created:
Once your true self is unleashed, your relationship to the outside world begins to change. You will discover deeper meanings in other pursuits. You will transform your environment to reflect, and be in harmony with, your inner self. Honesty and integrity will define you, as love and meaning pursue you. Personal growth will be your determining measure of success. An unbridled passion for life will radiate from you. You will find a gentle peace and begin to understand your special place in the universe. Slowly, your relationship with your Creator will begin to mirror the thriving relationship you have with your spouse.
REACHING THE DIVINE
In teaching the commandment to love God, Maimonides, the 12th century Jewish philosopher and scholar, writes that one's love for God should parallel one's love for a spouse, though the former should be even more intense. One should be "love sick," thinking of your spouse "whether you are sitting or standing, eating or drinking." The connection to your spouse should be so intense that he/she is with you in every aspect -- in your heart, your mind and your soul.
Once you experience this passion through the physical realm of marriage, you have acquired the tools to connect to the spiritual equivalent and create a loving connection with your Creator. Your intimacy with the Divine will be determined by the very depth and intensity of passion you share with your spouse.
Through marriage, you have the potential to uncover who you really are and the unique qualities you possess to share with the world. You have the potential to sincerely connect with another human being without barriers, apprehensions or inhibitions. And emotional portals to connect with the Almighty with boundless passion will await you.
What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. So, without further ado, the very simple secret to a happy marriage is to remember these things: Spend Quality Time Alone Together.
A long-lasting, happy marriage is about knowing your partner, being supportive, and being nice.
A happy marriage is based on is deep friendship, knowing each other well, having mutual respect, knowing when it makes sense to try to work out an issue, when it is not solvable.
Another important point to a happy marriage is to learn to celebrate gender differences, not compete with them.
The time to begin building a happy marriage is now.
The secret to a happy marriage is selflessness, putting the needs of your wife ahead of your own needs, helping her in little ways.
One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other.
True, building a lasting, happy marriage is not easy, but it is certainly possible.
A happy marriage is a new beginning of life, a new starting point for happiness and usefulness.
No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
Real giving is when we give to our spouses what's important to them, whether we understand it, like it, agree with it, or not.
ACCEPT - the secret of a good marriage.
Attraction
Communication
Commitment
Enjoyment
Purpose
Trust
Either you win or the relationship wins.
The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person.
Love is seeking to act for the other person's highest good.
Talking to your man is different from talking to your girlfriend. By and large, a man wants the bottom line. Cut the amount of prelude by approximately ninety percent, and you’ll get it just about right. Instead of saying, “Honey, my mom went in and the doctor diagnosed varicose veins. She’s going to have to get them stripped, which will make it very difficult for her to walk for a couple of weeks. As you know, she lives all alone now, and the only person who can help her is Mrs. Jenkins, who just visits twice a week, on Thursdays and Fridays. Mom’s going to need more help than that.”
Trust me, you’ve probably lost him by that point. Instead, try this: “Honey, my mom is having surgery next week and needs some time to recover. Do you mind if she stays with us for a few days?”
If he wants more information, he’ll ask for it. Keep it short.
Kevin Leman, Making Sense of the Men in Your Life
One member of a couple says (as if this is an excuse for leaving), "I love him (or her), but I am no longer in love."
Love is an action word, I want to say. When was the last time you "loved" him (or her) by your actions? Love is not just a feeling. Love is a verb. We have control over what we do, not what we feel. Similarly, I only have control over what I do – not what my partner does. If I do not like what is happening or how I feel, what can I do differently? As I behave differently, many times do I get a different response? How many times do I take for granted those thoughtful actions or tasks a partner may complete? Do I say thank you? Do I show my appreciation? Do I care enough about my partner to do something they like, just as a love gift – not as a should-do? Do I do these things without expecting something in return? If I expect something in return and do not get it, I will feel resentment, which is poison in a relationship. A gift is only a gift if it has no expectations attached.
Riette Smith
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The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.
The first duty of love is to listen.
The goal is to have a conversation in a way so that you can have another conversation tomorrow.
Marriage is one long conversation, checkered with disputes.
A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
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