How Does it Make You Feel?

It's a strange thing... people have weird power over us sometimes, whether we implicitly or explicitly grant them that power. They have the power to affect your emotions on a deep level. As a rule I believe that emotions follow actions -- if you want to feel loving, then act loving, by way of example. If you rant and rave about how mad you are at your father, you will gradually get more and more mad at your father. You get more of what you feed, and your emotions followed your actions.

I've come to understand this is not a universal truth. There are times we feel something we don't want to. I'm not referring to the slight blues you might slip into when you hear a moving ballad that reminds you of a long-lost love (though that is a valid example); that's 'light' and passes somewhat quickly. The next song on the radio could something toe-tapping and upbeat, and your mood tends to follow suit.

I'm thinking of deeper emotions. Sometimes I'll perform a wedding ceremony well, where my couple is happy and lets me know it in no uncertain terms. This brings me joy, and pride. Maybe they sent a 'Thank You' card a couple of weeks after the wedding -- out of the clear blue they made my day! They made me feel something, without my input or approval. Of course in this instance, I'm glad they did! But isn't it a strange thing? The euphoria lasts much longer than the aforementioned blues, and is harder to affect by something outside. Didn't you ever feel like you were on Cloud Nine, and nothing could touch you? That's what I mean.

Such feelings don't go only in the positive direction, either, but also the negative. Your mother forgot your birthday? That's harsh. You can work around the hurt and the disappointment, but it's there, and it's difficult to overcome. You could use my 'emotions follow actions' theory, but if your mother doesn't live nearby, that can be problematic to put into practice.

And let's face it: Sometimes we want to hurt, and keep hurting. Not out of a sense of self-pity, or to garner attention, but sometimes just to remember that we are able to hurt. And what it feels like. We think that we should 'forgive and forget' in order to stop the hurt, because people generally think of forgiveness as the flip-side of contrition; the obligatory response to an apology. It is not. To forgive is to answer the call of our better angels, and bear our wounds as the cost of doing business. It is that rarest of things: Simple and pure. Transcendent. Without strings.

And difficult as hell.

Five Resolutions

Everyone has a different idea regarding what constitutes a "New Year's Resolution" and what does not. I am not a person fond of making such resolutions, nor keeping them once made... that said, I do acknowledge they have a use and serve a purpose.

Rather than the oft-used "Lose weight!" or "Be a better husband!" resolutions, that will either be quickly forgotten or never realized, below are five resolutions I believe everyone should make -- and follow all year long.

1. Give

Give of yourself to someone who needs it. Give money, even a few dollars, to a local women's shelter or chapter of the SPCA; give some food to a church or soup kitchen that feeds the homeless; give old, gently-worn clothes to an organization that re-distributes them to people entering the workforce (i.e., CareerWardrobe -- http://careerwardrobe.org/donate/). What you give need not be great or large in size and scope, but will be extremely well-received and meaningful to the recipient.

"He who waits to do a great deal of good at once, will never do anything." ~ Samuel Johnson

Give... without thought of return or acknowledgement.

"That charity which longs to publish itself, ceases to be charity." ~ Ulrich von Hutton

2. Serve

Take any opportunity that arises to serve others. Maybe you don't have extra food to donate to a church or soup kitchen -- then volunteer a little of your time to prepare or serve the food donated by others.

"Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does." ~ William James

Serve your family. Serve your community. Participate in something greater than yourself, strictly for someone else's benefit. Learn to move in the world with a servant's heart, no matter your 'station' in life.

"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." ~ Albert Pike

3. Listen

Talk less. Listen more. Talking is when we make the conversation all about ourselves; listening is when we make the conversation all about someone else. Share fewer opinions, and hear those held by people around you.

"All noise is waste. So cultivate quietness in your speech, in your thoughts, in your emotions. Speak habitually low. Wait for attention and then your low words will be charged with dynamite." ~ Elbert Hubbard

Listening is one of the hardest skills to learn, evidenced by how few people are actually very good at it. When listening, place yourself into the speaker's shoes and try to understand what's being said from their perspective, rather than your own. Your entire focus should be on the speaker, and not on either yourself or anything external to the conversation.

"You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time." ~ Dr. M. Scott Peck

4. Love

As I wrote in an earlier article (http://www.linkedin.com/pulse/article/love-verb-paul-costello/), "love" is a verb. Love someone -- aside from yourself -- every day. When you lay your head on the pillow at night, ask yourself, "How did I love someone today?" If you cannot answer yourself with a concrete example, chances are you didn't love anyone that day.

"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." ~ Robert Heinlein

Many people perceive love, and marriage, as a kind of sauna: You go in, and the heat does something to you while you are passive. Love, and marriage, are all about doing something, instead of expecting something.

"Love is the greatest give when it’s given… and the highest honor when it’s received." ~ Unknown

5. Be Grateful, Be Humble

Demonstrate gratitude every day for what you have.

"I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder." ~ G.K. Chesterton

Demonstrate humility every day to acknowledge what you lack.

"I believe the first test of a truly great man is his humility." ~ John Ruskin

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By following even some of the advice here,
you will make 2015 less about YOU,
and more about the people around you.
In this way, you will end 2015 a better person
than you entered it.