How Does it Make You Feel?

It's a strange thing... people have weird power over us sometimes, whether we implicitly or explicitly grant them that power. They have the power to affect your emotions on a deep level. As a rule I believe that emotions follow actions -- if you want to feel loving, then act loving, by way of example. If you rant and rave about how mad you are at your father, you will gradually get more and more mad at your father. You get more of what you feed, and your emotions followed your actions.

I've come to understand this is not a universal truth. There are times we feel something we don't want to. I'm not referring to the slight blues you might slip into when you hear a moving ballad that reminds you of a long-lost love (though that is a valid example); that's 'light' and passes somewhat quickly. The next song on the radio could something toe-tapping and upbeat, and your mood tends to follow suit.

I'm thinking of deeper emotions. Sometimes I'll perform a wedding ceremony well, where my couple is happy and lets me know it in no uncertain terms. This brings me joy, and pride. Maybe they sent a 'Thank You' card a couple of weeks after the wedding -- out of the clear blue they made my day! They made me feel something, without my input or approval. Of course in this instance, I'm glad they did! But isn't it a strange thing? The euphoria lasts much longer than the aforementioned blues, and is harder to affect by something outside. Didn't you ever feel like you were on Cloud Nine, and nothing could touch you? That's what I mean.

Such feelings don't go only in the positive direction, either, but also the negative. Your mother forgot your birthday? That's harsh. You can work around the hurt and the disappointment, but it's there, and it's difficult to overcome. You could use my 'emotions follow actions' theory, but if your mother doesn't live nearby, that can be problematic to put into practice.

And let's face it: Sometimes we want to hurt, and keep hurting. Not out of a sense of self-pity, or to garner attention, but sometimes just to remember that we are able to hurt. And what it feels like. We think that we should 'forgive and forget' in order to stop the hurt, because people generally think of forgiveness as the flip-side of contrition; the obligatory response to an apology. It is not. To forgive is to answer the call of our better angels, and bear our wounds as the cost of doing business. It is that rarest of things: Simple and pure. Transcendent. Without strings.

And difficult as hell.